And who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?

Sometimes you consciously know that something is wrong, but you don't feel it until it's done back to you. I'm not anywhere perfect. In the past, I've been accused of being selfish, arrogant, stubborn, a jackass, and the list could go on and on. Self-reflection is one of those necessary mental functions that people rarely do, especially if you're in law school. As this semester comes to a close, I realize that everything negative that's ever been said to me is true. Yet, it's not true all the time. I'd like to think that many people would agree that I'm generally very easy to get along with, mostly caring, mostly charitable, loyal to a fault, and determined...not stubborn. 

I've been married now almost a year and a half, and been in this relationship for over three years nows. As with any relationship, it has its highs and its lows. You try to learn from mistakes and never make them again. I am, however, a creature of bad habit. I think it's in the context of this relationship that I've been most selfish and most arrogant, not because I should be, but because I've felt a sense of demented euphoria that my partner was the lucky one to have gotten such a catch. I realize now that I've been terribly terribly wrong. I in fact am the lucky one. Law school has been one of the toughest experiences of my life. The emotional and physical grueling that no one understands unless you're in it has made me somewhat callous to his feelings. He should be grateful that he's getting to spend any time with me at all, I would say to myself. But I am in fact the lucky one getting to spend whatever time I can with him. Maybe I'm pushing him away, maybe we're just growing apart, maybe he's pushing me away. Time will only tell, but I wouldn't be in the better position I am today without him. And I'll always be grateful and I'll always love him. 

Tell Them I Was Happy and My Heart is Broken

My two year old niece drowned today. Currently they have her heart beating, but there's no signs of brain waves. It's been a terrible day. My entire family is distraught. DCS is looking into my brother and sister-in-law. It was a terrible accident and I'm afraid that criminal charges are going to come out of it, which really blows. I think in a situation like this that the death of your child is more than enough punishment. I just feel so numb right now, but at the same time so very angry and sad that it happened. Jon wants me to stay active and busy, but all I really want to do is just sit around the house and do nothing and just deal with it all. 

On top of all of this, our neighbor died in a car accident on his way to deliver my granddad some hay and on the way to the hospital my mother's handicap van's transmission went out. I couldn't make this shit up. 

It just really blows right now...

Signing off,

Debbie Downer

You Take the Good with the Bad Sometimes

Grades were posted. I don't know if I've ever been happier in my life about school. After last semester's depressing grades when I got my first F ever, I wasn't sure if I would make it through law school unscathed. Toeing the line of academic probation, and I do mean literally toeing the line, was something new. It was horrifying, depressing, and yet inspiring all at the same time. There were times this semester that I could honestly feel my give a damn about to bust, then there were others that I felt energized ready to take the bull by balls and make Rocky Mountain Oysters. I may never get as good a grades as I did this semester but these grades I will always be able to reflect upon and realize that I can do it. Believing in myself has never been my strong suit, others have always been able to read my potential so much better than I can read myself.

Although I'm very excited about my grades, my heart hurts as well. I lost a friend and a comrade in this fight against pretentiousness and the upper echelons of the law school elite. It was a dirty rotten thing that happened when the Property grades were messed up,  giving someone hope and then ripping it all away. It hurts the most for this person, but it hurts those of us who were friends with this person who wanted very much for this person to succeed and keep fighting the good fight with us. You will be missed.

Moving on to a different area of my life, I finally have been able to ride my horses. I got to show Friday, Saturday and Tuesday. Winning money at the two out of the three shows was a great feeling. Both my horses and myself are completely out of shape and out of practice, but we still managed to give em hell.

Although the Saturday show lasted from 7:00 P.M. till 5:00 A.M.(no joke), I was very happy to be at that one. It was a benefit show where money raised went to a family whose child was having medical problems. I never got the full details but the basics are all you really need to know. Young child very ill, family can't afford medical costs. There were probably about 150 to 200 people at the show, and through a silent auction, a portion of the entry fees, and a live auction of homemade cakes that went for $400 to $500 a piece, the show was a HUGE success raising over $15,000 for the family. It made me so proud and happy to be apart of a community(horsemen and women). The generosity shown by so many was astounding, and I'm glad to know that what little I was able to contribute was going to a very good cause. 

I begin my internship with the Department of Public Advocacy next week and I am so looking forward to it. I know that if I head in this direction I'll basically be working for beans(maybe I'll get a magic one some day), but I really feel like this is my calling in the law. It helps those who can't afford to help themselves and it's stable. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time about this internship. I really want to impress the people I'll be working for, but I worry that I won't be able to meet the high standards set. I'm willing and able to work my ass off to do it, but it goes back to that whole hard to believe in my abilities bit. 

After going through my first year of law school I can safely say that other than for writing a couple of memos and a brief(all of which I learned how to do on my own and not from the professor) I learned Zippo about how to actually BE an attorney. For all those out there considering it(if I have readers who aren't in law school...hell if I have readers at all), just know that you will be dealing with heavy amounts of bullshit, but if you can survive it, it can be the most rewarding thing you've ever done. 

Assess quickly who you want to stick with and who you want to remain acquaintances with during school. I have met some extraordinary people this year during law school and I've met some real jackasses, but the latter doesn't really matter. Find your niche, find your power rangers group and stick with them. You need this support system. I have such a wonderful one and I couldn't have made it through without them every step of the way. We'll be getting our 5th Power Ranger back next year and it will be glorious victory for all. But remember, if this were Survivor you always want that one person that you know would take you to the final. Lean on that person the most, so you can return the favor when they need it. 

Although I'm so happy about grades, grades aren't everything. Just ask my friend Red. She's got an amazing job this summer with a bitching pay and she's not in the top 1/3 of our class. However, she's a go get em tiger kind of gal, who never meets a stranger and is able to network like no other. So grades can matter, but they can usually only get you the interview, you have to be the winning personality that gets you the job, otherwise you're a just shooting blanks. As one interviewer told me, "grades aren't everything, not everyone wants to work at a huge firm" He's right, and I'm one of those people. So many people are wanting that big time firm job, with the big time salary, but I wonder if they realize the cost of health and happiness that it will take on them. Long hours and weekends? No thank you. I like Monday through Friday and coming home after that. 

And as the immortal song says, "Don't stop believing..."

Tell Them All I Know Now, Shout it From the Rooftops

Shontelle's Impossible: These lyrics have really spoken to me these past couple of weeks. The song is essentially your basic break up song, but I get more out of it than that. It's not just about love it's about life in general. I love the song but I hate it at the same time, mostly because I always feel that I'm battling two different people within me. 

There's the person that always wants to be a kind and positive, the person that most people see every day, the person that tells people that they can do it no matter what terrible situation they are going through. Then there's the person that wants to be selfish, the one that wants to be an irresponsible 22 year old, and not worry about being mature and face the world head on. I'd like to think that everyone else deals with the battle of the forms(corny law school reference, boom I'm an asshole), but I don't know if it's to the extent that I do. From the get go, I've always been told that I was going to do well in life, that I was going to make something of myself, and here I am in law school, but am I really making something of myself or am I just kidding myself when I say that my mediocre grades aren't a true reflection on my abilities as an attorney in the real world. Sometimes I just want to walk away from it all, mostly because I couldn't bare seeing my loved ones so disappointed as well as just getting the hell away from it all could feel good. 

I love the song and hate it because there are times that I'm so overly cautious with my life whether it be with school, my love life, social life, etc. Then there are the other times that I just do things so impulsively and accept the chips as they fall, which sometimes works out great and other times it doesn't. I've always been the type that when I make a decision I stick with it no matter what. I found out recently that this can be a huge flaw in my makeup. I quit working at Sunglass Hut last month and it took much agonizing and tense battles with myself building up to it. As the days and now weeks have gone by, I feel so much better without that job, I can not imagine how bat shit crazy I would be right now trying to work and do these 5 exams in this week and a half. The point is that I fought so long the urge and encouragement from Jon and my family to quit because I'm not a quitter, but as Kenny Rogers would say, you got know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. I finally figured out that I could walk away from that. 

I don't want to quit law school. It's the hardest shit I've ever done in my entire life, but I know that I want to do law. Whether it be criminal law or social justice I want to leave my footprint on this world in some way that makes life better for the people I serve. The more and more I read every day in the papers about discrimination against GLBT people the stronger it makes me want to fight back through the law. I know I'm going to push through this. Torts, Friday, my bitch! And after that, Civ Pro, and so on. 

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did
And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did
And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know
Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wear
I know (i know)
And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy (i was happy)
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

I Hate It When I Cry

But that's what I'm doing after spending the better part of an hour talking with my eldest brother, who I've never had that much of a re-pore with until recently. 

I'm the youngest child of a wonderful woman named Betty. Before I was born, yes before, she was in a car accident that left her paralyzed from the chest down. She has always been my role model. When she was being released from the hospital her doctor wanted to send her to rehab and she asked him, "Will this help me to be able to move again?" The doctor told her no that it was to teach her how to live with her new found disability. She told him, "Thank you, but I can do that at home." Like her, I've always kept a really positive attitude about the her circumstances and mine. However, the emotional flood gates came crashing down on me several weeks ago when we started discussing Damages in Torts. The case, Richardson v. Chapman, Supreme Court of Illinois, set me into a spiral of unmitigated sadness. In that case, the young woman Richardson was struck behind by a semi-trailer leaving her paralyzed. On appeal after an award of $22, 358, 814 the Appellate Court reduced this amount by 1.5 million. You may be asking at this point why this case got to me so much, it's because my mother who was struck from behind by a Lincoln that smashed in the rear end of her POS Izuzu was the one that was sued for injuries. My mother on Christmas Eve was leaving to run errands and on her way her car hit an ice patch running her into a telephone pole. The lovely couple of sued my mother's insurance company came in behind her, hit the same patch of ice, and crashed into her. While my mother was strapped into a Halo, the couple sued my mother's insurance company who assumed liability. My grandfather being the stout conservative farmer, told my mother that it was best to let it go and get on with her life.

As I read the Richardson case, I couldn't help but notice how many claims she could have had against the couple, against her insurance company, against Izuzu for a highly defective product. My mother never brought these claims, mostly at the advice of my grandfather, and her life has been much harder than it should have been because of it. She's had to worry about how she was going to afford a new wheelchair, she has had to take bankruptcy on medical bills, along with a host of other problems that are too many to list. So after reading that case, and talking with my brother, it's all a little too hard to stomach (and keep my tears in check) when I think about how my mother's life could have been very different with a fraction of the $21 million dollar award that Richardson received. 

Are We There Yet?!?!

Less than a week from today, I'll be faced with the firing squad known as law school exams. Contracts, Torts, Civ Pro, Property, and Crim Law. I'm honestly happy that Contracts is first, it was last for me last semester. I ran out of steam for it and I'm lucky to have ended up with the mediocre grade I did. Torts and Property are my main concerns going into this exam period. One subject I love, while the other I hate. I hate Torts. I hate everything about it, including the mind numbing scholarship on it. I hate how a duty can be imposed to use ordinary care for a trespasser on your property but in most situations there is no duty to rescue someone that is well within someone's power of rescuing. Property I love. It is absolutely practical. Property is what many men, women, and children have died protecting throughout history. Where some would like to bludgeon themselves while talking about easements and restrictive covenants, I find it fascinating. Saying all this of course is moot in light of the fact that I plan on practicing criminal law. At the beginning of May, I will be a 2L(assuming I don't fail these exams). It's amazing that my lifelong dream of going to law school is here and that the first year has passed so quickly. I've met some amazing people here at school. I could not have made it through this first year without them. KMcC, AF, JC, JA, JF. Thank ya'll for keeping me sane, and keeping me going through this adventure/challenge. I look forward to seeing ya'll this summer on the other side of things. TV, Movies, Reading for Pleasure, Showing Horses, Lots and Lots of Sleep, and a possible internship with the Department of Public Advocacy awaits me this summer. 

Once a Blogger, Always a Blogger

I used to blog all the time on Myspace(I didn't know what Facebook was, nor become addicted to it until I came to Sewanee). Facebook doesn't really offer the gratuitous blogging option that Myspace did, but I chose the FB over the MS because most of my friends were on Facebook and I got tired of checking two different social networking sites. 

Mad props to John Friend for reminding me how much I miss writing and how much I miss being able to express my opinions, even if no one really cares to hear(read) them. 

I learned a sad rule of thumb today. Keep my mouth shut and keep my head down. It's a smart rule, a very safe rule, one that I have often times ignored many, many times. 

For those of you who didn't know, it was an Honor Code violation to register before the 8:00 A.M. time slot. Yes, the window magically opened five minutes before hand and oh so awesome you got all the classes you wanted, bravo. I personally don't care that people did this, however, those in the administration just might. For those of you willing to listen to someone who has been on an Honor Council previously, and knows just how many people he's helped to kick out because of small technicalities, don't tell anyone that you registered earlier than you were supposed to register. Don't make any reference to it whatsoever for your sake and the sake of others that you may or may not implicate. Yes, I know it's not "specifically" laid out in the Honor Code that this is a violation, but that's why they put that little catch all phrase in there located somewhere towards the bottom. Additionally,  I know people don't read instructions(how silly of those who do), but it was listed on the Registration Instructions that it was a violation to do so. Furthermore, when I just had a conversation with a professor about this very topic(he said it was a violation as well), don't challenge me, just be thankful that I was kind enough to look out for your interests when others apparently were not. But no, sadly, people in law school have become so good at arguing any and all baseless claims that they can't see a gesture of comradeship for what it is, a step towards more unity in our class and less competitive backstabbing.